My experiences of living with the Divine Light

Whenever I closed my eyes, I could see a bright golden sphere surrounding an opal-blue sphere, indicating the Divine presence, even when I was engaged in bodily activities. This continues every day as I am constantly fluctuating between relative sense consciousness and the infinite supreme Self. It is especially easy to see the light early in the morning just before waking up, because I have been there all night in deep sleep. At that early hour, the senses have not yet become active, and the mind is at its clearest and sharpest. All I have to do is close my eyes and think of the Divine, and the light appears right away.

The Journey to Oneness

I’ve said that we are always with our formless divinity in deep sleep, but are unaware of it. However, I can also see the light at night just before falling asleep or when I am in my resting mode. It is as though the Divine himself comes and greets me before I start the day and says good night before I end the day. To be with the divine presence within and be able to see the light at will comes only after experiencing the deeper dimension of Turiya, since consciousness remains steadfast as it merges into the pure energy of nothingness.

I take the appearance of the inner divinity as a blessed opportunity, and literally speak with it by saying, “Good morning” and “What are we doing today?” This may sound funny, but the divinity responds and helps me by giving me a clear perspective on the day, as everything is being told by “It.” This has become my daily routine, and I never have any agenda. I know everything I need to do just by being there and looking at the light for fifteen minutes or so before getting up. This gives me an added boost of energy before I fully awaken and revert to my normal sense-consciousness. Any morning discomfort disappears after being with the light for those few minutes. As I focus on the light, the inner energy comes into balance and seems to harmonize itself, regaining its equilibrium.

Among the many positive changes that I experienced after self-realization, I observed a shift in my attitude whenever I was agitated by a discussion or argument. In such situations, I now enter the expanded dimension of pure Self, where I find myself in a calm, silent region of utmost peace. This profound center of peace seems to lie beneath and persist throughout any negative situation, and keeps me in harmony at all times. In general, when we reach this point of realization, we don’t appear to feel excitement, surprise, or even joy. At last, there is no room for doubt or any confusion about who we are. Instead, we feel a strong conviction that everything that is happening is real and true. We no longer need to seek confirmation, because we have seen and felt this truth. We know that this is who we are and that the Divine resides within each and every living creature. It is as simple as that.

Samadhi: Unfolding Through Deeper States of Consciousness

I’ve said that I passed through several different levels of samadhi on my way to realization. Some states have terms in Sanskrit that may help clarify them, although they may seem somewhat technical. During savikalpa samadhi, for instance, one’s consciousness does not lose its identity, but does temporarily dissolve into God. As described by Paramahansa Yogananda, the body enters a trancelike state while the mind is conscious only of the Divine within, and is not conscious of the external world.

By contrast, in the state of nirvikalpa samadhi, which is a bit more intense, we unfold to the infinite expansion of nothingness (void) and lose our bodily fixation temporarily. For a short interval, the life force is withdrawn from our senses completely, and the body appears motionless. However, after experiencing that bliss we may feel that we still have a hold on the form. Even at this highest nondual state, the Self retains some degree of individualized consciousness without completely dissolving into the Absolute. The depth of this loss of physical sensation varies for each individual and can fluctuate over time for the same individual.

At some moments I felt absolutely no body consciousness, while at other times I felt that only certain parts of my body were “missing,” including my arms, legs, and face—and I didn’t know where they were. I went through many variations of this plane, but having some prior knowledge made it easier for me to handle the experience without much agitation. I also learned that the longer we remain at the level of nirvikalpa samadhi, the longer it takes to return to our normal sense-consciousness. The first time I experienced losing control over my body right after I came back from almost two hours of deep meditation, I was not able to stay in that state for long. It is a shaky feeling, as if we are attached to the body and at the same time not attached to it. As many ancient seers have stated, the body cannot function for long without a sense of Self, especially when one is destined to return to body consciousness and be active in the world, as I was. Perhaps some can permanently establish themselves in that state. The parts of the body feel and look dead; my hands felt heavy, dropped down without any life, and appeared swollen. Once, when I tried to put on my bracelet, it wouldn’t fit because my fingers and hand were so swollen. On another occasion, after meditating for two hours, when I tried to stand up, I fell down and lost control of both my legs and hands. It felt as though there was no strength or life in them, and my head was still spinning because normal feelings had not returned to the system completely. To counter this, I learned to sit in my chair for a short time until I was fully conscious, and often took 10 to 20 minutes before returning to my normal tasks. I would also end each meditation with at least five to eight minutes of pranayama, so that the prana would get distributed evenly to my system before trying to stand up again.

Finally, Experiencing Supreme Tranquility

I often felt extremely cold, despite the climate being moderate. Sometimes I experienced such stillness while in that state of infinite timelessness that I found it impossible to believe I even existed. This state is so far beyond duality that our accustomed way of thinking totally disappears. While in this plane, the outgoing and incoming breath become balanced to such an extent that you feel as if you are hardly breathing—or perhaps not breathing at all. In the past, when I entered deeper states of meditation, the length of my inhalations and exhalations became very short; however, at this point, my breath completely stopped for a brief period. This state is called kumbhaka in Sanskrit, and as with samadhi, there are several different levels or modes of breathlessness. Everything stands still, and we experience supreme tranquility without having to do anything. The life energy gets switched off from our senses and muscles automatically, making it seem that everything is dead and without sensation.

My body became so totally relaxed that I was unaware of it. It was as if every muscle had released its life force, and all the vital energy had been drained out. That may explain why my body felt cold and lifeless at these times, as if no organs were functioning. The deep peace I felt when merged in that emptiness, resting as awareness, was rarely disturbed. The Mother explained this by saying that the body is “like hundreds of combined entities or multiple entities unaware of each other, yet all harmonized by something deeper which they don’t know.”

We must experience our individualized divinity, the illuminated Self within us, before merging back to the void. It is a sequential and progressive journey. Once we gain the ultimate transcendental knowledge of oneness from that emptiness, we need no other confirmation. The Wisdom comes from a totally different and fully awakened perception that we attain only after experiencing the Turiya state. There is a genuine intelligence and a sense of knowing that arises from within, simply by being.  As Nisargadatta Maharaj says, “Wisdom is knowing I am nothing.”

Along with confidence, we feel a sense of equanimity and a quality of peace that comes from knowing that we are finally home. It is as if every cell and organ, every mental and physical function, has synchronized perfectly. All we have to do, as the great teachers have always said, is just be in the moment.