The evolution of faith from restless doubts to spiritual embrace

Restlessness and the quest for answers

I fit this quote perfectly: “There are people who have faith in their doubts and doubts in their faith.” Even before a question in my head was answered, my monkey mind would come up with about eleven more questions. I was restless. I had too many thoughts. Too many questions. There was so much noise inside my head that the Churchgate rail station in Mumbai would probably seem quieter in comparison. 

The one good thing was – I earnestly wanted to find answers. My deep quest for something more in Life and to become something more than I was, made Life drop me in my early twenties at the feet of my guru. Wide-eyed, curious, and excited, I watched the curly-haired Master, who seemed silent even as he spoke, and wondered if he could answer my questions.

My Guru and his tolerance

I decided to check. I asked. I questioned. I argued. I even fought. (I can only smile at that me now.) I was determined to know whatever there was to know. Much to my surprise, Master tolerated my idiosyncrasies. It was later I realized that though my thoughts, words, and even actions may have been wrong, somewhere I came from the deepest intent of really knowing, so not only could I ease my life but that of many more.

Also, my crazy love for my guru probably helped as it overshadowed all my stupidity. How I met him and felt when our eyes first met is a story for another time.

My first retreat and a turning point

Mahatria, my guru, conducts week-long spiritual retreats called HDB (Higher, Deeper, and Beyond), where we cut off from all communication, technology, and even mirrors and only go within… deep within to find answers. I went because someone told me to. And in very tough circumstances. My mother was unwell, and she was my lifeline. I carried immense pain in my little heart and felt maybe I would find some solace there.

I will never forget my first spiritual retreat and my first spiritual experience there. (I actually had my first spiritual experience at age five, again a story for another time). One evening at HDB, I was sitting, listening to the Master. A silver moon was hanging overhead, and somehow, I felt a sense of deep peace engulf me. Peace was a big word for a young girl, but everything seemed to have come to a standstill. 

Discovering interconnectedness

For the first time, I had no thoughts—I was simply gazing at the moon. And then it happened. The moon, instead of being outside of me, suddenly was within. I do not know how to explain this strange phenomenon, but in a moment, I realized the Truth of this sentence: “I do not live in the world; the world lives inside me.”

For the first time, I realized experientially that we are all interconnected at the deepest energy level and that every thought, feeling, and belief shapes my life. In that spiritual moment, I suddenly became aware of being inside out, and it became a turning point in my life.

“From a restless seeker to a serene believer, my journey of faith is marked by moments of profound transformation.”

A shift to inner focus

From then on, instead of being too focused on what was going on outside me, I was more intrigued by what was going on within. I started closing my eyes and simply observing myself. I still don’t know if this is meditation, non-doing, or sadhana. All I know is that this act of closing my eyes and being with myself started mattering more than being with people, my phone, or anything or anyone outside. I wanted to observe my patterns, and my beliefs, embrace them, or change them… it was an adrenaline rush, to simply go within.

Evolving faith

As time progressed, I realized that my Faith had evolved. Instead of having so many doubts, I now had only a few, and they were more about myself and how I could maximize my potential. Instead of questioning everyone and everything, the questions were now channeled in a positive direction. Peace started growing because I was now operating more out of my inner workings and strength than the circus that was going on outside.

I had a moment which showed me my Faith was indeed cementing. Challenges in relationships or at work did not affect me much. But the one thing that used to uproot me completely was anything happening to someone I loved. Anxiety would take over me, and the fear of losing anyone I loved was too deeply ingrained in me. Since I had watched my mother unwell for a few years – the fear of losing her was probably the deepest.

The miracle of Mom getting a new lease on life

And then this moment happened. The doctors made a prognosis, declaring that my mother had only three months to live from Stage 4 brain cancer. I should have felt shaken – as I watched my dad and sister start crying. I should have crumbled as the doctor beheld such a grim expression. But somehow, from deep within, a voice said, “Wait, first talk to Mahatria. There is more than meets the eye.” And I couldn’t help but feel calm even through the chaos.

When I finally spoke to Mahatria, he simply said, “Your mother is a conqueror; she will fight this through.” 

Science gave Mom three months. Spirituality said she would be fine. Both worked together, and she lived 10 more years of a full and rocking life (traveling, dancing, covered by many newspapers and channels for being a medical miracle!) without a single scan, medicine, or need for hospitalization.

I didn’t realize how much watching this miracle each day strengthened my faith. It made me realize that if Life and Death could be within the purview of spirituality, what were my daily trifles? Did those little things in relationships even matter? Were those health hurdles anything to stop for? And those challenges at work – were they even challenges or more of an adventure in my journey of exploring my potential?

Doctors gave Mom three months. Mahatria said, “Your mother is a conqueror; she will fight this through.” 

A journey of being carried

My faith kept growing, and the more I grew, the more miracles started unfolding. I started seeing abundance flow into every area of what I did. I started evolving in every aspect. I even got blessed to experience motherhood, a complete story of faith and miracles.

Prasada buddhi (if it is coming from Life, it must be His blessing) became a part of me where I started believing if I was given an experience, it was for the evolution of my soul, which helped me navigate peacefully.

From so many questions – to more directed towards me. From questions directed towards me – to very few questions themselves. From very few questions to answers, now beginning to seek me.

A moment of oneness

I had no clue when these transitions happened, and I could not pin them to a single day or moment. Experience by experience, they kept happening. The one thing I held onto all the years, however, was my time for stillness. To simply be with myself. To watch. To observe. To… listen. To those little whispers from Life. 

And then, at the most recent HDB, my 18th, something magical unfolded. I have waited over a month to write about it because somehow it felt invasive even for me to think of it, let alone write it. However, I have realized this gift of words is not for me, it is for you. For each of you reading this, who may have gone through all this and not known that it is okay and there is something much bigger and more beautiful awaiting you. My purpose in sharing everything that happens to me (to the point of feeling vulnerable)  is rooted in the deepest desire to alleviate and elevate your Life. That is my purpose, and when I live it, I feel closest to the Divine. 

Being held by faith

So, here I attempt to put it in words.

I was simply sitting, one among 200 other seekers at the retreat, gazing at my guru one morning on the lush lawns. I do not know when my eyes closed and when it was no longer me and Him, it was Me&Him. The gap dissolved. I don’t know how to explain this, but the sentence, ‘I no longer know where you end and where I begin, my Lord,’ was not a poetic expression but a reality.

Even as I write this, I am crying like a little child, but I do not want to stop. I want to keep expressing…
It was as though the two became one. Instead of Megha and Mahatria, there was only Mahatria. And then something even beyond happened. Even Mahatria did not exist. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know what happened. I don’t know how much time passed, but when I finally opened my eyes, there were seekers around me laughing at some joke the Master had cracked. I also smiled. What else was there to do… nothing had changed on the outside, and nothing remained the same within.

There is this beautiful analogy Mahatria uses – faith is the baby monkey who holds onto its mother with all its might and keeps moving branch by branch, holding onto her.

Faith had evolved within me. I had held on for too long like a baby monkey to my Faith – so long that suddenly it was not my little hands clenching with all my might – now, my Faith was holding onto me. In my mind, from a baby monkey, I became a baby kangaroo – warm and secure in my spiritual mother’s pouch.

Holding on, holding on, holding on… until I was held. Nay, carried.

I don’t know what happens next to me and my life. I can only discover as more experiences unfold… with this feeling of being carried, I wish to see where my life leads me this year. Faith, thank you for evolving within me, thank you for showing me a Life beyond all my imagination. I will write to you as Faith evolves further in me… and that is a promise. For now, I know. Faith. Thou Art It. Faith, thank you for evolving within me and for showing me a Life beyond my imagination. Faith, Thou Art It.