Life partners aren’t found, they just happen

Amid the merry-making with a gang of friends, you are the happiest in the company of that best friend with whom you can share all your feelings. 

In that large, loving family, you feel like being a part of every bit of it when your spouse is around. 

As a child, it is your best friend; as a teenager, it is your boyfriend or girlfriend; and as an adult, it is your spouse. As a young adult, your best friend may not be your boyfriend or girlfriend, but as an adult, your spouse invariably goes on to become your best friend.

The desire for a stable partner is strongest in the teenage years and early twenties. It would help if you had that partner without whom nothing seems to make sense in these phases. There are social pressures too; a cousin or a best friend finding a partner can fuel an intense desire to get a partner. 

But before you begin the search for an ideal partner, the primary question you need to ask is, are you ready to partner?

Many relationships succeed, and many fail. What, then, are the sure-fire formulae to make yours succeed? Or is it just a matter of Lady Luck smiling at you? How does one explain the secret of the longevity of Asian arranged marriages against all odds? Conventional wisdom would give such relations a low chance. Well, how in the world do you walk into a lifelong relationship with someone you barely know? 

I am biased, perhaps, as I have seen way too many arranged marriages blossom into made-for-each-other kind of relationships. The answer, I reckon, is perfectly explained by the following pearl of wisdom by spiritual guru Mahatria.

“The beliefs one holds at the beginning of the journey define the journey.”

In the Asian concept of arranged marriage, you enter a relationship with a firm belief that this bond is forever and too sacred to walk away from. That belief gives strength and resilience to endure disagreements and occasional setbacks. While I agree that sometimes rigid social dynamics around such marriages give an unfair advantage to the more dominant partner, these are exceptions, not the rule.

3 common pitfalls in choosing the right partner

• Our likes and dislikes match, so we must be a great match

If only it were that simple. Likes and dislikes change, and so do circumstances and situations. Relationships based purely on likes and dislikes will eventually turn stale. If both partners have the maturity to turn the relationship around with fresh anchors, the relationship will thrive; otherwise, it will perish, leaving the partners questioning that they even began it.

• We belong to the same social strata or have the same career choices, hence a perfect match.

It is crucial for the success of a partnership that the two partners complement each other. The partner going through a challenge is looking for the strength or wisdom he/she lacks to face that challenge. If the two partners are unlike each other, they are more likely to provide the kind of support the other is looking for.

• I am not sure of what partner I am looking for, so let’s try a live-in-relationship.

There is merit in knowing your partner well before you get into a serious long-term relationship. Honestly, I find the concept of live-in relations strange. If the couple gifts themselves the choice of walking away without remorse or liability when faced with a difficult situation, the relationship has a fragile basis. It iseasier to walk away than make the difficult choice of mending a vulnerable relationship. It is crueler if one partner walks away while the other partner continues to be invested in the relationship. 

Patience and a long-term view are necessary for a relationship to succeed. Any partnership goes through three identifiable phases through its life cycle. So,both partners should appreciate what phase they are in to sustain the relationship. Once you finish the first two, there is no looking back.

In the Asian concept of arranged marriage, you enter a relationship with a firm belief that this bond is forever and too sacred to walk away from. That belief gives strength and resilience to endure disagreements and occasional setbacks. 

3 phases in a relationship

➢ The courtship phase

In this phase, the attraction between the two partners is so strong that occasional creases in relations are quickly ironed out. Each appreciates the intentions behind the other partner’s action and does not judge the action itself.

➢ The consolidation phase

This is the make-or-break phase of a relationship and, hence, the most crucial one. In this phase the relationship is strengthened by the support partners provide each other. Even if the partners seem to spar on many issues, so long as they support each other on matters close to the other’s heart, the relationship continues to thrive.

➢ The mature phase

In this phase, a partner knows exactly what the other is feeling or looking for and provides it without even being asked for. This is when a partner is 100% comfortable with the other’s most undesirable aspects. In this phase, both know when the partner wants to be together and when to be left alone.

So how does one go about looking for a partner? Do you look for one or he or she just comes along?  How do I increase my chances of finding a better partner? One should adopt three key attitudinal shifts to find the right partner.

3 mantras of finding a perfect partner

➢ Purposeful socializing

Individuals go through periods when their choices regarding socializing are varied. There are phases when one prefers to be alone, while at other times, one likes to be with as many people as possible, be it friends or family. Socializing in small groups helps develop a comfort zone before elevating that relationship to the next level.

➢ Be open-minded

A key trick is to overcome your judgments and conditionality. Humans are compelled by nature to categorize and label everything. Quite naturally, we do the same with fellow humans, too. We tend to judge and pre-decide that a certain category is of our type and certain others aren’t. The truth is there are multiple shades of grey and very little black and white. The less opinionated one is, the better the listener one becomes. A good listener always endears oneself to a wider variety of people.

➢ Don’t be stuck in your past

It is human nature to look at any new relationship through the prism of the past. One may have had an earlier relationship and build notions or stories in one’s head based on the success or failure of those relationships. Time moves, and so do people and attitudes. What was in vogue earlier may have become passé now, or vice versa. New relationships need fresh perspectives.

Be guided by your heart and trust the existential timing!

In conclusion, I believe in the concept of existential timing. We have the right to desire and strive for whatever we want in life, but when we will get it is not in our control. We look for what we want in the most likely places and often end up finding it in the unlikeliest of places or circumstances. Being patient and appreciative of others’ behavior increases the likelihood of finding the right partner.

‘Luck by chance’ is my go-to expression in relationships. I like to say that you should take a call on relationships based more on what your heart says, not the mind. Now a quick caution is in place; never decide under the sway of emotions. Don’t try too hard, relations happen by themselves when the circumstances are just right and the timing is perfect.

Chances are the partner you are looking for is right under your nose, the question is, are you wearing the right spectacles?

Photos courtesy: Stylecraze.com and Netflix