Love after 50 – A new era for relationships

Attitudes toward divorce are changing, with a noticeable decline in the hesitation to seek a divorce compared to the past. What are its implications?

Imagine a beautiful garden that a couple has nurtured together over the years. When they first planted it, the garden was filled with vibrant flowers, lush greenery, and a myriad of plants, each representing the shared dreams, experiences, and memories of their marriage. As the seasons changed, they worked side by side, watering the plants, pulling weeds, and adding new elements, symbolizing their commitment to each other and their shared life.

However, as time passed, the couple began to notice that some parts of the garden were flourishing while others were wilting. The vibrant flowers they once cherished had become overgrown with weeds, and the couple spent more time arguing about which plants to keep and which to remove. The joy of nurturing the garden together faded, replaced by frustration and discontent.

Eventually, the couple realized that they had grown apart, much like the different sections of their garden. One partner wanted to cultivate a new area filled with exotic plants, while the other preferred to maintain the traditional blooms they had always cherished. The once harmonious garden became a source of conflict. Faced with the reality that their visions for the garden—and their lives—had diverged, they made the difficult decision to part ways. Each took their share of the plants, soil, and tools, ready to create new gardens that reflected their aspirations and desires.

This likely explains why Sandeep and Sunanda (names changed) filed for divorce. While their relationship appeared idyllic to outsiders, it was far from perfect behind closed doors. Although they were devoted parents and had strong ties to their families, they lacked intimacy. After nearly 25 years together, they decided to separate and filed for divorce by mutual consent around four years ago.
Many older men and women, such as Sandeep and Sunanda—those in their 50s and 60s—are now doing what would have once been deemed unimaginable in Indian society: parting ways with their spouses after decades of marriage and moving forward with their lives. Sociologists attribute this trend to factors like infidelity, an unwillingness to tolerate a partner’s physical or emotional abuse, and a desire to pursue long-held passions. While the decision to separate was painful, it opened the door to new possibilities. Each partner could cultivate a garden representing who they were as individuals, allowing for growth, exploration, and a renewed sense of purpose.

A good marriage is now defined by questions such as ‘Does this marriage make me happier as a person?’ and ‘Is my marriage contributing to my self-fulfillment?’ “If the answer is no, divorce may be viewed as an acceptable solution,” says Susan L. Brown, a sociologist.

The Statistics: A Growing Trend

In recent years, the phenomenon of ‘grey divorce’ has gained significant traction, with more than one in three divorces in the United States involving individuals over the age of 50. This trend, which has seen a dramatic increase since the 1990s, raises important questions about the changing dynamics of marriage and the factors driving older couples to part ways.
Research published in The Journals of Gerontology in September 2022 reveals that the rate of divorce among individuals over 50 has nearly doubled from 1990 to 2015. A study published in June 2020 in the Journal of Family Issues further indicates a shift in attitudes toward divorce among those aged 50 and older, suggesting a growing acceptance of separation as a viable option. These statistics underscore a significant cultural transformation as older adults increasingly prioritize personal happiness and fulfillment.
A good marriage is now defined by questions such as “Does this marriage make me happier as a person?” and “Is my marriage contributing to my self-fulfillment?” says Susan L. Brown, PhD, a distinguished professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio, and a co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research. “If the answer is no, divorce may be viewed as an acceptable solution,” she adds.

Brown says that more women are more economically independent now, giving them an alternative pathway out of an unsatisfying marriage that women of previous generations may not have had. Finally, older divorce may be more common than at any other time in history for a simple reason: People are living longer, says Brown. She says that if you survive to age 65, you may live another 20 years, which is a long time to spend with someone you’re no longer happy with. “You might want to call it quits.”

The precursors to divorce in middle and later life are likely distinct due to the unique events and experiences associated with these stages of life. During middle and older adulthood, many couples face challenges such as empty nests, retirement, or declining health, which can significantly impact marital adjustment (A. Booth & D.R. Johnson, in ‘Declining health and marital quality’ (1994) – Journal of Marriage and the Family). These pivotal moments may lead spouses to reevaluate their marriages, potentially resulting in divorce. For instance, a fulfilling marriage while both partners are employed and engaged in activities like child-rearing might struggle once they retire and the nest empties. As life expectancies increase, the issue of growing apart over the course of marriage becomes more pronounced (Deirdre Bair in Calling it quits: Late-life divorce and starting over, Random House, 2007). In India, too, despite some lingering social disapproval, there is a rising acceptance of divorce among older adults, signifying a broader cultural movement prioritizing individual well-being and autonomy.

Cultural Dynamics of Grey Divorce in India

Why is the number of divorces in India increasing? Why has India’s divorce rate been so low thus far? And does a lower divorce rate mean we live in a happier society?
Recently, a Bollywood actor hit the Like button on a social media page, making grey divorce a hot topic. Traditionally, societal pressure and stigma often kept older couples together despite marital unhappiness. However, with shifting social attitudes, elderly individuals are increasingly prioritizing their well-being and seeking happiness. We find that as the stigmas that forced previous generations to stay together slowly fade, individuals are slowly breaking free of fraying relationships. This shift can be attributed to changing family dynamics, the growing economic independence of women, and the increased life span of Indians. According to recent government estimates, life expectancy has risen from 32 years in 1947 to over 67 today, with more than 138 million people aged 60 or older. Many are single, divorced, or widowed, looking for another shot at a relationship.

Another factor could be that many youngsters marry later in life compared with a decade ago, according to a government study on youth attitudes. Between 2007 and 2016, the percentage of married youth (25-30 years old) plummeted from 55% to 47%, with more young men unmarried (61%) compared with women (41%).

As more individuals choose to divorce later in life, the implications for emotional, social, and financial well-being are profound. Older adults in India are increasingly navigating complex decisions regarding inheritance, caregiving, and remarriage, which can present both opportunities and challenges.

Why Are Older Couples Divorcing?

While the rising acceptance of divorce among older adults in India signifies a significant shift in social values, it also reflects a
growing emphasis on individual well-being and personal autonomy.

Unlike younger couples, who often cite reasons such as incompatible parenting styles or difficult in-laws, older divorcees typically face unique challenges. Here are some of the most common factors contributing to grey divorce:

1. Empty Nest Syndrome: As children leave home, couples may find themselves at a crossroads, realizing they have little in common outside of their roles as parents. This can lead to feelings of isolation and a desire for fulfillment elsewhere.
2. Financial Differences: Money disputes can become more pronounced as couples approach retirement. Financial infidelity, hidden debts, and differing retirement goals can strain relationships, leading some to view divorce as the only solution.
3. Infidelity: Cheating remains a significant factor in divorces at any age. The betrayal can be harrowing for older couples, often resulting in irreparable damage to trust and intimacy.
4. Health Issues: Chronic health problems can create additional stress within a marriage. Research shows that women who develop severe health conditions face a higher risk of divorce, while men do not experience the same level of risk.
5. Growing Apart: As individuals age, their priorities and interests may shift, leading to a natural drifting apart. While some couples may grow closer, others find their values no longer align.
6. Changing Expectations: Modern couples often have higher expectations for their relationships, focusing on emotional fulfillment and overall happiness. When these needs are unmet, individuals may choose to end their marriages.
7. Societal Changes: The stigma surrounding divorce has diminished, and as women gain greater economic independence, they are more likely to leave unsatisfactory marriages.

The Emotional, Social, and Financial Impact

Divorce at any age can be a profound emotional stressor, but for older adults, the implications can be particularly complex. The emotional toll can include feelings of grief, loss, and loneliness as individuals navigate the end of long-term relationships. Socially, divorce can lead to losing mutual friends and family connections, creating a sense of isolation.

Financially, grey divorce can significantly impact retirement plans and overall stability. Economic independence also plays a crucial role. Financial security allows older adults to consider divorce as a viable option, unlike in the past, where financial dependence might have forced them to stay in an unhappy marriage. This newfound freedom empowers them to choose based on their happiness, not financial constraints.

Moving Forward

Despite the challenges associated with grey divorce, many individuals find that this life transition opens doors to new opportunities. It can be a time for embracing personal growth, self-discovery, and pursuing passions that may have been set aside during marriage. Yet we find that ‘silver splitters’ take separating very seriously and often place a lot of weight on whether their promises and responsibilities to each other have been violated when they file for divorce. While unhappy marriages can have extreme health effects like chronic loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger, and some extreme guilt for not keeping the partner happy due to the lack of connection between them, what we cannot overlook are the similar physical and mental health hazards caused by grey divorce.

As times change, the definition of a good and successful marriage evolves, prompting more profound questions about the connection between partners. The focus has shifted from traditional reasons for staying married—such as financial security, social taboos, and children’s well-being—to a more profound understanding of mutual compatibility and personal fulfillment. So, while the rising acceptance of divorce among older adults in India signifies a significant shift in social values, it also reflects a growing emphasis on individual well-being and personal autonomy.

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