3 Powerful marriage lessons for a lifelong love story

Marriages are awesome for many,
Awful for a few,
And a select few, they just tag along together.
For me, it’s a sacred, choiceless relationship.

Well, these were not my thoughts since the initial years of our marriage. We took our own sweet time to create a healthy, secure relationship to create a space that’s beyond the vagaries of life, unharmed by external factors and people. A space where I can be me, and no words or actions of mine will be held against me. A space where we can share our dreams and ideas, transient emotions and vulnerabilities, spiritual breakthroughs and rare momentary breakdowns too.

And I won’t say it’s been a super easy journey; we had our share of strivings to get our relationship right. Picture this, a Bollywood style romantic girl falling in love with a super rational businessman (his name is Dhawal Khimani), an extroverted man falling for an introverted girl and there’s more to it. A cricketer falling for a writer, a man who finds solace in his room falling for a nature lover! Imagine the drama that would have unfolded when these poles-apart humans collided. And this drama fueled with love and weaved with the right emotions and maturity is creating a blissful relationship. 

I do believe that marriages are indeed made in heaven, but it does take decent efforts to experience heaven on earth. If I were to narrow down to 3 most paramount learnings in our marriage that’s shaped up our companionship into what it is today, it must be these… 

“The magic of marriage isn’t in sameness, but in celebrating differences. Love deepens when we embrace each other’s uniqueness.”

1. Happiness begins within, not with your partner

Beyond ‘our’ life, there is his life and my life too, things that make him happy are different from things that make me happy, the way he unwinds stress is different from mine. And I cannot force my spouse to dive into ‘my’ way. 

For him, most of the weekends were about cricket in the initial years of my marriage and I would create fuss every single time he planned a match. In my head, it felt like cricket was seizing our time. I searched for my happiness in those few moments together and he felt pressured to see this innate joy on my face. It took time for me to realize that it’s unfair, unfair to push the responsibility of my happiness onto him. 

Just like that, it stuck me, if he is doing what he loves over the weekends, why should I hold back? And so, out of love, for myself and him, I decided to get the most of my weekend time. Some days I meet my girlfriends but most of the days I go to a beautiful chic café, sip a warm green tea and try to write books, articles or simply celebrate my ‘me’ time. I love it, I simply cherish these moments. 

It’s only when I started being happy, without depending on my poor husband, I radiated that to him, family and everyone around. To my surprise, it did wonders to our relationship. Now, whenever we go out, it’s not about seeking happiness from the other, it’s about happily going on a date together.

2. Embracing differences: The beauty of opposites

Second realization was all about understanding that there is a reason why opposites attract and there’s a yin to every yang and marriages will unfurl or at the minimum bring you in terms of the other side sleeping within you.  

I had been an introverted soul all my life, to the point that I would open my novel the moment I got into a jam-packed local train of Mumbai and dig my head in the book till the time I reached my workplace. Just in case my eyes fell on an office acquaintance, I would smile and continue reading as though the only thing that existed in the moment was the book. Here was my gregarious husband who loved meeting his friends or cousins every other evening. So, for us, the other lived such an alienated life. Jeez! We simply couldn’t accept this aspect of ours. 

Well, step one to clearing these mental blocks is acceptance. The moment we are accepting, inclusive and open to explore the other side of life, things start shifting for the better. We got to be experimental. Be it by force or choice lessness, I saw myself in a room full of loved ones. To be honest, I started enjoying exploring different perspectives and thought patterns, to lend an ear to people or share my wisdom, thoughts and life with others. My man, who has never opened books except for exams, has started reading novels. Do I have to say anything else? 

If our spouse is different, doesn’t mean they’re queer, it simply shows we haven’t yet explored this dimension of life. Some traits we may adapt over time, other facets, we simply got to accept and celebrate. There are a few facets of his that I do not like, and he simply can’t drop that trait. Again, all I had to do was accept and adjust. To simply understand, I cannot be 100% the way my spouse wants me to be, nor can he change himself the way I desire. We simply got to appreciate the uniqueness we carry and focus on the small and big efforts our beloved is putting in the relationship. PS: Those unexpected pecks and messages do work wonders. 

“Happiness isn’t found in your spouse, it’s found within you. When you radiate joy, your relationship thrives effortlessly.”

3. Love over ego: Winning together, not against each other

Third beautiful realization was the moment I understood it was never about me v/s him, it is always about me with him. It is never about who wins the argument, it was always about how soon we dismissed the silliness and moved on. To simply not rub the ugly side of my spouse. If I know of something that will put him off, I ensure to register and never repeat it again. 

There was a time when we would drag a silly argument for days together, to reach a point we hardly argue. If it happens, either of us will hold on and allow the other to banter till the storm has passed. Once he cools down, we either talk about it or simply dismiss it knowing the frivolousness.

To be true, it’s a very gradual process of learning, unlearning, dropping our ego, moving beyond words to seeing the intent. I am glad, somehow both of us were okay to not wait for the other to take the initiative to mend things off. It is okay, if you are the one who apologizes or lets things pass by, it simply shows you’re the matured one in the relationship. That you’re holding your relationship over everything else. 

The vows of marriage and the initial bubble is what we all cherish the most but the moment the bubble bursts and comes in contact with reality, it’s all about how much are you willing to put love over all the frivolous emotions. Indeed, a time will come that one of the most precious and sacred relationships will be with your equal half.