Last month, the 10th-grade results were out. My son, Pramey, had scored 97%, an astounding feat. We were all over the moon, but then I said, “After checking the school website, you are not on the honors board. That’s a touch disappointing.”
A good friend of mine, living in Kuwait, declared with pride that her son had scored 98.5%, but had missed topping the country by just two marks.
Another friend of mine said her daughter had performed extremely well and had missed topping the school by a couple of marks. Later, she realized her daughter had topped one subject and would indeed walk up to the podium after all.
A Price Too High: Our Personal Story
The parents mentioned above aren’t the typical, extremely taskmaster type of parents. I would categorize them as “compassionate parents.” We may be saying and doing the right things most of the time, but are we doing it when it is required the most? Aren’t we telling our children that recognition and validation are of utmost importance? Are kids successful only when they win? That is, are they considered successful only when they receive a prize or secure admission to a coveted college? Even if they win in the eyes of the world, have we realized what the cost of this has been?
We as a family went through this nightmare some 10 years ago when my elder daughter, Pravita, pursued her dream college. She managed to get into her dream institute after all, but it came at a huge price. She was almost broken, her confidence severely shaken.
The Coaching Factory or the Soul-Crushing System?
The other day, I was with one of Pramey’s teachers, and I was horrified to realize that nothing much has changed in the last 10 years. It seems it has gotten worse. There is an entire ecosystem built around competitive exams and the coaching institutes. The absurd ratio of aspirants to available seats means fierce competition. Parents and teachers alike are egging on their wards to be superhumans.
In a typical Indian middle-class household, when a kid enters the 11th standard, it is like entering a warzone. The television is off, as are sports and access to social media. Not only the child, but the whole family gives up on all privileges and sets off on this arduous pilgrimage. In some cases, one of the parents takes a break or sabbatical and becomes a part-time student or teacher, depending on the perspective you are looking at.
I wonder how parents send their young kids, at a very vulnerable and impressionable age to those coaching centers in Kota, Rajasthan. Aptly called the coaching factory, although these days, it is notoriously dubbed the suicide capital of India. Many of the students, even if they make it to the IIT, are exhausted by the time they get in. They feel they have arrived, and many are left with no motivation whatsoever. Are we producing battle winners or champions for life?
The Mindset Bleeds Into Every Walk of Life
This extends beyond academics; it also continues in professional and business life. When I bump into a CXO at any networking meeting, the third or fourth question they ask is, “What’s your organization’s turnover or sales?” I agree that the quantum of sales is a very important metric of a company’s success, but should it be the only one?
Now the menace has spread to the creative fields as well. Authors are judged by the number of their publications or bestsellers, painters by the price of their bestselling pieces. Sportspeople are graded by the number of their medals and championships, while singers are judged by the number of likes on social media. Yes, art needs monetization for artists to thrive, but what is the cost of monetary success? Shouldn’t art be an expression of free spirit, not bound by any expectations or judgments?
I recall a visit to my brother, who was stationed in Rajkot at the time, famous for its Kutchi business spirit. His neighbors, a respected business family, had fallen on hard times. There were losses in business, and the family had to compromise on their lifestyle to make ends meet. So much so that even a three-year-old boy was made to forgo one meal a day. He needs to learn early what it means to be in business, his mother would say. I admired their spirit then, but I don’t think I approve of that style of parenting now.
Celebrate Effort, Growth, and the Human Spirit
Recently, I watched a very pleasant movie, ‘Sitaare Zameen Par’ with Aamir Khan as lead actor. A disillusioned basketball coach is assigned to coach a team of children with special needs. The movie chronicles their initial distress, struggles, and bonding. The best part is in the climax, where his team is joyous and euphoric, despite having lost the final. The team celebrates their small victories and the friendships they have forged. They become champions, although not winners.
“We all are coaches in some capacity. We all have a collective responsibility to develop champions in life for our world. That is what real success looks like, and in the world of athletics, that is what we call a win-win.”
~ Valorie Kondos Field
Former coach, UCLA women’s gymnastics team
What We Can Do as Parents, Teachers, Leaders
I am all for being competitive and winning. All I am saying is that winning shouldn’t become the only metric of success. Just be mindful of what price you are paying to get to that cherished win. The students, who were coached with a win-at-all-costs strategy, will be tomorrow’s leaders. They are more likely to continue with the only way they know to coach, the way they were coached.
What kind of organizations, societies, and nations are we likely to build with these broken champions? It is our responsibility to act in our spheres of influence in a way that broken champions are not produced or champions focus on becoming holistically superior beings.
I leave you with this profound extract from the TED talk delivered by Valorie Kondos Field, former coach, UCLA women’s gymnastics team:
“As parents, as coaches, as leaders we can no longer lead from a place where winning is our only metric of success, where our ego sits center stage, because it has been proven that process produces broken human beings. And I emphatically know that it is absolutely possible to produce and train champions in life in every single walk of life without compromising on the human spirit. It starts with defining success for yourself and those under your care, and then consistently self-examining whether your actions are in alignment with your goals. We all are coaches in some capacity. We all have a collective responsibility to develop champions in life for our world. That is what real success looks like, and in the world of athletics that is what we call a win-win.”
Leave a Reply