Page after page is written about what children can gain from good parenting. Have you ever wondered what parents gain in the process? Well, here are my personal insights after parenting three children.
When I held my first child, my daughter, aptly named Pravita (meaning “firstborn” in Sanskrit), I was a bundle of nerves. I was petrified she would slip out of my hands or that I might not hold her properly, causing her some injury. She seemed to understand my predicament and looked at me intently. It was a long, reassuring glance, telling me you’ll be fine, and we will together figure this out along the way. It has been an exhilarating journey, 25 years of parenting her, and trust me, I have learned more from her than she has from me.
Pravita: Being an explorer, defying conditioning
Pravita has an adventurous streak and is as independent as they come. I started as an iconoclast myself, but I have mellowed over the years under the weight of societal judgment. She is ruthlessly steadfast for the causes she believes in. There are no compromises allowed whatsoever. Watching her jump at new challenges, travel alone to far-off places, try new cuisines, and try the scariest of amusement rides amazes me to no end. Her beliefs in the primacy of science, feminism, and striving for a just world have remained steadfast.
Looking at her feisty spirit, I realize what I have been missing. The invisible shackles that I have built in my head are stunting my spirit of adventure. I haven’t stood by my standpoints. Thank you, Pravita, for gifting me back my mojo. I no longer hold myself back.
Pravita: Redefining ‘good’ and focusing on what matters
Pravita would always be one of the last to get into her school bus. Most days, she would run with a sandwich in one hand and her school bag in the other. What’s more, the shoelaces would never be tied. Her school bag must be the heaviest among all her classmates simply because Pravita never bothered to pack her bag according to the timetable. The rationale was very simple: pack all the books in the bag, and some weight lifting hasn’t harmed anyone.
These days she travels very far and often. Her habit of packing her bags in the last minute, or at best a few hours ahead of her travel, hasn’t changed. Her mom finds her wardrobe dishevelled and bedraggled. All this should give you an impression of a person who is lazy, untidy, and prone to procrastination, right? Wrong absolutely!
If you focus on her work front alone, she is the antithesis of all that is said above. When one reads Pravita’s journal, from the first word to the last, it is a lesson in calligraphy. The handwriting would be like a typewritten text; perfect spacing between the lines, and all letters would be of the same size. Her work desk at any point in time is a picture of utmost organisation with everything in its place.
If she has a lecture to deliver in a symposium, her preparation starts the day her nomination is accepted. Her presentation would undergo multiple revisions to eliminate any errors, inconsistencies, or repetitions. How on earth is this possible? No, she isn’t bipolar or a split personality. She is simply a superwoman when at work, and the rest can be as it may be.
I find her possessed and focused with every cell of her being when she does what she believes in. My version of good is to excel in everything I do. Honestly, despite my best efforts, I struggle to keep up with most of my goals, which leaves me feeling severely stressed. Damn the judgment of the world, I remain the jury and the judge of what I need to do, which is a profound insight I have learned from Pravita.
“From my daughter Pravita’s feisty spirit, I learnt never to hold myself back. Son Pramey I see going out of the way to help others. Our pet Freddie the Beagle taught me to love unconditionally.”
~ Rajeev Hallur, with his wife Sahana, and three children
Pramey: Chivalry, empathy, and being there for others
My son Pramey and I went on a long drive last month. Jazz and fusion music all the way, an intense discussion on Formula 1, coffee and cola breaks; ah, it couldn’t get any better. My mind raced back to my very first “drive” with him 16 years ago. He was all of three hours, being attended to by a doctor and a nurse, as the ambulance sped to the neonatal care hospital, blaring its siren at full volume. Pramey was born premature, weighing just about 1.5 kg, and needed two weeks of intensive care to get better and fitter. I can hardly visualise Pramey of that day when I look at the almost 6 ft. tall, 75 kg hulk of today.
Pramey is not exactly anyone’s idea of an obedient or adorable child. He is a classic argumentative Indian and a teenager too, a perfect recipe for boorish behaviour. He is also a young adult of strong likes and dislikes, so it is his way or the highway. Unbeknownst to me, though, he is one of the most liked kids in the neighborhood, always ensuring that he helps the senior citizens. He ensures that he carries their heavy grocery bags to their doorstep. I would never find him sitting in a crowded bus or a waiting hall of a clinic, especially when a lady is standing. When a young neighbourhood child lost his father, Pramey was the first to reach out, taking him under his wing. He stayed with him for long hours, comforting him as much as he could.
Last month, we attended the valedictory function at his school for the graduating students. Pramey is a member of his school band, and it was pure joy to see him strumming away. At the close, when the band wanted a group photo, a couple of members were missing. Pramey wouldn’t allow the photo unless all the members came in. The team that says cheese together plays a perfect symphony together.
All my judgments of him are damned. Cometh the moment, cometh the man!
Freddie the Beagle: Unconditional love
Our pet beagle Freddie has a simple rule. Regardless of whether they are family members, housemaids, or regular visitors, everyone is part of one large family. Whenever any of these folks tries to leave the house, all hell breaks loose. He tries every trick he knows, like barking and blocking their way, to stop them from leaving. People find it amusing initially, but soon they become emotional. They bribe him with pats and cuddles, and eventually, the majority tear up at his persistence.
It doesn’t matter to him what caste or creed they belong to or what their social status is. It doesn’t matter if they feed him, pat him, or ignore him. He behaves the same with each one of them. He is our everyday Santa Claus with a goody bag of love to be distributed to whoever comes his way. I wish I could simply be love personified like him, or shall we say love dogified?
Evolution score
Children: 4, Dad: 0
Also read by Rajeev Hallur: https://alotusinthemud.com/surangani-mahatria-a-song-ahead-of-the-times/
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