Victim or Victor – The Choice is OURS!
The stories we tell ourselves lend meaning to our lives and are the compass that determines our life course.
Hemali Acharya, a psychotherapist and Arts-Based Therapy practitioner, related how she re-scripted her life story. She used to describe herself as a petite, shy child who often got bullied in school. A teacher narrated a story in class about a snake who bit villagers in the wooded area where it lived. While passing by the area, a monk noticed the problem and persuaded the snake to stop harassing the villagers. After a few months, he passed through the same jungle and was aghast to see the snake badly injured, lying half-dead. When asked, the snake shared that as the villagers were no longer fearful of it, they started to harass it and throw stones at it. The wise monk compassionately told the snake, “I asked you not to bite them, but I had not stopped you from hissing at them.”
Hemali recalled how this story resonated with her. She made a conscious choice to protect herself without being submissive or resorting to aggression.
Awareness is the First Step in Healing
Did you know that listening to stories unleashes a powerful healing effect on our psyche? An American physician and researcher, Dean Ornish says, “Awareness is the first step in healing.”
Recently, I attended a workshop titled, ‘Rewrite your Life Story’ conducted by Suma Varughese, a writer for Lotus web magazine and eminent author of three books. Suma narrated three powerful stories from the famous book, ‘Folktales from India’ selected and edited by A.K. Ramanujan. The first, ‘Tell it to the Walls’, is about a lady filled with resentment, anger, and grief about being ill-treated by her family. Having nobody else to listen to her woes, she would vent in front of the walls of a dilapidated house. In time, as the walls collapsed, she felt a weight lift from her heart, and soon she was free of her misery.
A workshop co-participant, Deepinder Sekhon, PhD (@turning_pointcafc), who is certified in Integral Somatic Psychology, described how that story impacted her immensely. She practices Trauma Therapy and has been working on the relationship issues with her mother-in-law for a year. However, listening to this story brought fresh wounds to the surface, making her realize that many unresolved issues still needed significant redressal.
The second story, called ‘Outwitting Fate’, is about a clever monk who helps his teacher’s children overcome their unfortunate circumstances through the might of his intellect. The third one, ‘The Clever Daughter-in-law’, was an apt sequel to the second story. The daughter-in-law was meek and took all the abuse heaped on her without any complaint. However, once she was consumed by the desire to eat her fill of the yummy Talada (a delicacy from Karnataka in India). What happens next makes for a very interesting story!
Stories Inspire and Encourage Others
Annie Brewster, a physician, was in denial after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. In her book, ‘The Healing Power of Storytelling’, co-authored with Rachel Zimmerman, she revealed how she had to deliver the same diagnosis to a patient. Shattered, this patient had lost all hope of ever enjoying a normal life again. Annie shared with her that she, too, suffered from MS, yet she continues to enjoy a full life, playing mother to her four children, running her busy practice, and participating in sporting activities. Through her sharing, Annie offered hope to her patient and thus saw the ‘Meaning’ of her own story.
Listening to others’ stories enables us to approach life issues with hope and a solution-finding mindset.
Nelson Mandela was in jail for 27 years of his adult life. When he walked free, he was neither bitter nor resentful. This stemmed from what he told himself, ‘Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.’
Not Events, Stories of Events Affect Us
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years of his adult life incarcerated in a prison cell. When he finally walked free, the world was amazed to see that he was neither bitter nor resentful. Instead, he was full of love and hope. This stemmed from the story he told himself in earnest: “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
I quote Rabih Alameddine, “What happens is of little significance compared with the stories we tell ourselves about what happens. Events matter little, only stories of events affect us.” Rabih Alameddine is an American painter and author of the award-winning novel, ‘The Wrong End of the Telescope’.
Stories can Trigger Aha! Moments or Insights
Humans have always been storytellers. Stories that resonate with us catalyze insights into our own lives. These Aha! moments are the stepping stones to rewriting our stories in a new light. While journeying from listening and pondering to later rehashing our reality, we notice that we have healed!
Another participant at Suma’s workshop, Ragesh Warrier (CEO and founder of ‘The Sign’- a Strategic Branding and Design company in Mumbai), who views life through a spiritual lens, shared his insights. “It is our nature to be inherently free. However, we build walls in our lives and then feel stifled and imprisoned by these walls.” He narrated how he highly regarded certain values like integrity in his life. However, he was disappointed when a friend who did not uphold the same value system caused him much heartburn. On hearing one of the stories, Ragesh realized that it was not his friend’s shortcomings but his misplaced expectations that made him suffer. Thus, he experienced a sense of freedom from this disillusionment as he could re-interpret his own story in a new light.
Stories offer us new perspectives and possibilities. They particularly help children imbibe more empowering values.
Stories Yield Possibilities for Common Life Situations
My own experience when I worked with a group of seven street children was that the stories helped them imbibe more empowering values. Earlier, they acted with the usual anger, resulting in violence and abuse, since this was the default mechanism ingrained in their psyches. The stories taught the children unique ways to resolve conflicts with their peers. They would refer to the stories to remind other children to resolve disputes amicably. Some of them used their wits to outwit others and resolve situations, having learned well from the protagonists of the stories narrated to them.
Thus, stories offer us new perspectives and possibilities.
Stories are Easy Ways to Effect Change
Trupti Saraiya, a Certified Arts Based Therapy Practitioner and Life Skills Counsellor (www.inme.co.in/), told me about her story sessions with a current client who wants to eliminate her fear of loneliness and over-thinking. The nonagenarian actively participates during story sessions. Once, Trupti narrated to her one of the classics, ‘The Hare and the Tortoise’. The client thought she was exactly like ‘The Hare’ in the tale. She described how her mind is always racing ahead yet not achieving much. She wanted to calm it down and be akin to ‘The Tortoise’. She was sharp enough to know that awakening a calm steadiness in her mind would require patiently plodding away like ‘The Tortoise’, while also being kind to herself.
Stories allow people to be objective about their life situations and experiences. As people listen to the story unfold, they start appreciating new perspectives in life. Soon, new solutions and possibilities rise above the shadows. At this point, people can rewrite their stories and pave the way toward a bright future.
Annie Brewster says it best, “Everyone has a story, and stories heal.”
The short ‘Rewrite your Life Story’ workshop is recommended because Suma Varughese’ inimitable hold on spirituality lends a deeper dimension to the participants’ insights and conclusions.
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