Loving wholly, living freely: My journey to embracing boundaries

I love wholly and totally. I own people and allow them to own me. To me, love is everything, and when in love, I have been a person who will simply flow. Until a few years ago, I didn’t have a sense of boundaries – for myself or for others. I simply connected to the spirit, which, in fact, is boundaryless in its very essence, and would gush, express, and experience… and often end up getting hurt and even losing relationships. My child-like mind would wonder, what exactly happened? Wasn’t love all encompassing!

Experience by experience, I began to understand the concept of boundaries. Truth be told, initially, they seemed very limiting. Suffocating. Almost anti-love, which was all about freedom and flow. But slowly and gradually, I began to see their value, the freedom they offered, and how boundaries, in the long term, deepened love rather than lessening it. 

Here are two intimate examples (as of now, with writing, I still don’t have boundaries. Preserving myself, dearly on this aspect). I hope they offer you, too, some perspective on boundaries.

What happened to us: (A personal example)

We were four friends. A husband and a wife, a friend and I. There was an instant chemistry and connection, and we loved being together. Travels. Deep conversations. Ticklish fun. We had it all. And things felt as if they just couldn’t be better.

With time, a few relationships evolve, and so does intimacy within them. I started feeling very close to the wife, and while I loved her husband, we didn’t have much in common. When the four of us went out, the wife and I would often crave delving deeply into our spiritual discussions, which ended up making her husband and the other friend feel left out. The intent wasn’t to do that, but that is what happened. Both started expressing their angst, and our trips and coming together began to become more stressful than blissful.

Something so beautiful suddenly felt strained. We didn’t know how to handle things, and simply stopped meeting. Over technology, whatever connection could be preserved was there, but meetings came to a grinding halt. A wide chasm developed, and I think none of us quite knew how to bridge it.

That’s when I understood that love, in spirit, is just a flow. However, when you share elements of time and space with people, love must also be mindful of them. The wife and I would have our incredible conversations when we were on a call, without needing to filter our thoughts. However, in groups, we were much more mindful and inclusive. The chemistry between the four of us, although not the same as before, has become comfortable enough for us to meet again.

I realized I can feel as deeply as I wish for someone in my heart and mind, but how I express myself, how I relate, and how the relationship impacts the people around me must be honored and respected. Love must create more harmony for the person I love. My love should inspire others to become a better version of themselves in all their roles, not the other way around. A love like this sustains and, over time, blossoms. Recognizing this has helped me become a more beautiful lover, with boundaries well in place.

“I have realized that I can feel as deeply as I wish for someone in my heart and mind, but how I express myself, how I relate, and how the relationship impacts the people around me must be honored and respected. Love must create more harmony for the person I love. My love should inspire others to become a better version of themselves in all their roles, not the other way around.”

~ Megha Bajaj

The WoW Space: (Protecting my professional zone)

I run online writing and healing workshops for people, and words have a magic that brings you closer to yourself, to others, and to the world. My mentees would often feel so deeply connected to me (and vice versa) that there would sometimes be a WhatsApp message at 1:40 am, sharing something they were going through or simply explaining why they couldn’t send their session in time.

I do WoW (Wonder of Words) on email, on Mondays, and at any given time, there are 40 WoWers from across the world enrolled. Body, mind, and soul, I am prepared on a Monday to give them my best, and when I address each email, it’s like a deep hug being sent to each of them. But just imagine my phone, my mental space, my emotional well-being when so many of these took to WhatsApp and would message me any time, about anything – topics that were so intense that I needed to pause all I was doing to just read and address, and sometimes so mundane that I wondered, did I really need to read this. What made things even more complex was that close friends, and even my sister, were doing WoW with me. Sometimes, on WhatsApp, I had to switch roles and become a younger sister, or a mentor, depending on the nature of the message.

It wasn’t an easy call, but I drew my boundaries. I requested that all my WoWers (including my sister) use WhatsApp as our space for fun, planning, and casual day-to-day expressions – but for WoW and anything related to it, they should send me an email instead. Even if it’s a simple, “I thought of you when I read this poem…” Some would still cross the boundaries, and get upset when I would gently say – can you please send this on email? I understood their feelings, but I had to respect mine too. At that moment, they would probably think, it’s such a small thing, why can’t she simply respond. But – when you put the whole thing in context with 40 people, and the different nature of messages and the emotions that come with it, and how this was just a part of my profession (I head other verticals too) – to me, it made sense I did what I had to preserve myself.

Some took to it instantly, some reluctantly, and some even judged me and dropped off, but that’s okay. I realized that if I didn’t draw my professional boundaries and separate my email space, my WhatsApp space, my WoW space, and me as a relationship to people, we would all be in tangles. Today, there is much more peace, and all the new joiners are oriented about it, and it works like a dream. Boundaries, I realized, help set expectations for yourself and the other, which results in greater peace in the long term.

How Boundaries Strengthen Love

As I grow up and observe the people around me, I have come to realize that the happiest and most peaceful relationships are those that strike a balance between freedom and boundaries. When a boundary is crossed, a person feels violated. Once, twice, thrice – push them too long, and ultimately, they will drop the relationship to preserve themselves or if they do not have the courage to let go of the relationship, they will actually become depressed and mentally ill.

Knowing my boundaries, defining them, and communicating them to those around me is my responsibility. It is not just a luxury but a necessity, and failing to do so leads to chaos.

In the name of love, we must all become happier and peaceful, and not depressed, lonely, and resentful, not knowing how to communicate to people we love, and work with. 

Whether in a personal space (and, in fact, more so with the closest ones) or a professional setting, defining boundaries increases the longevity of the relationship, adds peace and bliss to it, and creates a healthy space where many can thrive and flourish. I love how my guru, Mahatria, puts it, “If you do not say no WITHIN a relationship, there will come a time when you will say no TO the relationship!”

I would love to hear more about your take on boundaries – and how you draw them without hurting the other (or yourself!). After all, boundaries are not a way to love less; rather, it is a tool that actually allows you to love more, give more of yourself, respect yourself, and the other more. Boundaries say – I love you. I also love myself. Understanding this has made all the difference to me!

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