@Men – Crying openly is an act of courage!

I often cry when I watch emotional movie scenes, even when watching it for the umpteenth time. This has been a childhood trait. 

As a child, I was mocked for this by my cousins and friends alike. There was no TV back then, so watching movies meant we went to cinema theatres. When my family would go to a movie show, I refused to accompany them and stayed home. I am not sure if I did it out of fear of violent scenes or out of embarrassment of crying at emotional scenes.

As I grew up, I was made aware of the prevailing patriarchy. It was considered very uncool for boys to emote openly. As boys, we were supposed to be strong, and at the core of our strength was the propensity of never displaying any semblance of fear or helplessness. Crying openly was frowned upon.

Alpha male behavior

Some extended this even further. It’s not only about displaying emotions, even at the feeling level, one must be immune to fear or anxiety. I found boys reluctant to hang out with boys who cried openly. They followed those with the so-called alpha personality –  having a rough exterior. 

That trend affected me. My behavior changed, and I became less open about my weaknesses and failures. From early childhood, we are fed stories about manhood and how it is a natural equivalent of leadership. The stories of valor we read, or the movies we watched propagated the postulation “Mard ko dard nahi hota” (True man never feels any pain). There was also a push from parents and teachers towards alpha behavior as they saw that as an essential leadership trait. Maybe it is if you consider leadership in the context of the military or sports.

I could never reconcile myself with my assumed stoic demeanor, which eventually led me to denial. I started camouflaging my weaknesses by being obstinate or evasive. I became aloof and unhappy deep inside. 

Baptism by fire

All this was to change soon with a rude awakening. I joined an engineering college away from home. For the first time in my life, I left the comforts of home and went to live in a hostel.

It was baptism by fire into a world of people who were far superior to me intellectually and culturally. I was thrown into this campus where people knew nothing about my past or family, and the only thing that mattered was me. I was a rabbit caught in the headlights, resulting in my failing in two subjects in the first semester. I tasted failure in an exam for the first ever time in my life.

That was a huge turning point. I realized I needed to put in hard yards to pass exams. In younger days paying attention in school was enough to do well in exams, but no longer. One may learn to live with steady declines, but outright failures jolt you from deep slumber and shake you out of positions of denial. The following semester I took the necessary U-turn to be seen only in the classroom or the library. The results were for all to see. Not only did I pass the two backlog subjects, but I also passed my second semester with distinction.

I started realizing that my biggest strengths were not that unique after all. This realization was a huge shock to come to terms with initially. However, once I overcame my inhibitions and accepted it, something beautiful happened to me.

Don’t hide your vulnerabilities, for heaven’s sake. Go farther, flaunt them. Don’t chisel yourself into a round peg for the sake of the world. Be that original square peg you were meant to be. 

Accepting vulnerabilities

This newfound freedom of acceptance of my vulnerability was liberating. It made me socialize more easily. I started relating with far more kinds of people than I ever did. My world expanded, and so did the sphere of my experiences. The unshackling of chauvinism of one kind had such a salubrious effect on my overall persona. I also started appreciating different varieties of food, new genres of music, and types of books that were hitherto alien to me. I felt true happiness for the first time. All my earlier happy experiences were from my perceived successes and now there were joys in small things.

There has been no looking back since then. I continue to cry while watching movies and reading books. Now, I have company, though, with my kids inheriting this beautiful trait. I have realized that accepting one’s vulnerability is one of the greatest gifts to oneself. It is these imperfections which make you uniquely beautiful. Gift yourself the courage to cherish your perceived shortcomings. Who knows, maybe you are that odd-shaped peg someone is looking for. Imagine the pure joy of being spontaneous always, oblivious of others’ judgment.

This also makes you understand and appreciate others’ vulnerabilities. People are far more open and natural with you once they know you have accepted them as they are. Conversations are far more cordial, exchange of ideas is easy and instantaneous. As a parent, it is a huge responsibility to make children come to terms with their vulnerabilities. Constant exposure to social media means they live in the virtual world most of the time, disconnected from reality and real people. By being real and behaving like our real selves, we can become the best role models for them.

Become aware of your vulnerabilities. Some vulnerabilities can be overcome, while some stay with you as an essential part of your personality. So please don’t hide your vulnerabilities, for heaven’s sake. What’s more, go ahead and flaunt them. Don’t chisel yourself into a round peg for the sake of the world. Be that original square peg you were meant to be. Trust me, hiding your tears is not an act of courage, emoting without any inhibition is!

Read also: https://alotusinthemud.com/self-care-for-men/