When you strive to become the highest expression of yourself and rise in the spiral of consciousness, you are acting from self-love.
The one question I’m routinely asked by those I meet in my clinical practice and grief circles is, what does self-love truly mean, and how can one practice it?
Whenever we try to comprehend something unknown, it is wise to begin exploring what is known. Then, like a gyana yogi, we can navigate this search by using the ‘neti-neti, or not this, not this’ filter of elimination, until we arrive at a reasonable understanding of the subject at hand.
There are a host of popular interpretations of the concept of self-love. Some people see it as the hedonistic freedom to live and do as they want. Others believe it’s about prioritizing and having their needs met in relationships. Another point of view is that it encompasses self-care, where you might give yourself that much-deserved weekly pause to rejuvenate your mind and body by getting a spa treatment. For still others, it means setting healthy boundaries and being compassionate towards themselves.
Clearly, there are many versions of what self-love means. How can one solve this quandary?
Exploring a New Paradigm
Webster’s dictionary defines self-love as an appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue, a somewhat ambiguous and limited definition. Perhaps, then, comprehending ways in which we unlove ourselves will provide some clues to help us extrapolate the meaning or essence of self-love.
The dictionary meanings of unlove include being alienated, estranged, despised, detested, hated, scorned, and unrequited in love. All these words allude to a hostile or unfavorable disconnection, indicating that to self-love, one must build a friendly and favorable connection with one’s own self. Is there a way to build such a connection?
Everything that contracts consciousness such as shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, anger, desire, and pride, attributes which on the consciousness researcher David Hawkins’ map of consciousness fall below neutrality at 200, must eventually be sacrificed on the altar of self-love to awaken and eventually enlighten you.
Deconstructing Self-Love
To delve deeper, we must dissect the word self-love. How can one understand a compound word’s meaning without accurately interpreting what the two words allude to? This brings up the question, what does it mean to love someone or oneself? It also nudges us to decipher what acts and behaviors arise from or inspire the need to love.
First, we must decode the word ‘self’, which can have two meanings. The first one refers to the personality, the sum of one’s desires, expectations, thoughts, feelings, and motivations arising from the ego-driven state. If this is the self we choose to love, would actions undertaken for the fulfillment of our desires qualify as self-love?
The other Self (with a capital S) refers to a higher state of awake consciousness that aligns human goals or purusharthas (Dharma, Artha, Kama & Moksha, as per Hinduism) with swadharma and soul purpose. Its aim is to help the individual develop a more refined and evolved consciousness, which requires us to be aware of its presence and be willing to follow its guidance.
Coming to the much-misunderstood word ‘love’, it is important to clarify that one is not referring to the hormonally charged euphoric state where you are obsessed with your lover. Self-love then would degenerate into pride or narcissism.
After years of pondering its meaning, I have concluded that the one offered by the American psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck, resonates most deeply with me. According to him, love is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” The only challenge with this definition is that it requires the understanding of yet another word, spiritual, which could mean different things to different people depending on how awake or unconscious they are.
Spirituality and Self-Love
If we consider the word ‘spiritual’ as a verb, it can be viewed as a constant upward movement of consciousness towards Spirit or Divinity. This is why it is so personal and individual: it depends entirely on where one is in one’s current state of awakening.
One can refer to several models to visualize this spiral of awakening in the context of self-love. One such model is the Triguna Personality Model expounded in the Bhagavad Gita. It refers to the three states of consciousness, namely Sattva, Rajas, and Tamas. If one’s predominant guna is Tamasic, i.e., heavy, dark, inert, or lazy, becoming active enough to take care of your physical needs may be an act of self-love as it moves you higher into the realm of rajas. If one is predominantly rajasic, restlessly striving to fulfill one’s selfish needs and desires, adopting a mindfulness practice or being generous may qualify as self-love as it awakens compassion, wisdom, and tranquility of sattva consciousness.
Self-love isn’t some fuzzy or indulgent act. It is a willing and purposeful rebellion against one’s base nature, against all that limits us and keeps us from ascending the ladder of consciousness. It includes any effort to overcome lower tendencies and elevate consciousness, the building of virtues and values, and the expansion of potentialities.
The Path to Self-Love
Clearly, there is an ascending spiral of consciousness, and depending on where you are, the definition of self-love will change, enabling you to ascend this spiral to become more conscious and in the likeness of God. Simply put, whenever one makes efforts to rise to the next level of consciousness, they are acting from self-love.
So, to love yourself, you must first develop the awareness to know what level you presently are at. Next, you need to recognize the flaws or harmful tendencies that keep you stuck at that level. Once these are clear, try to sacrifice these habits and tendencies for a higher goal. And finally, you must embrace the practice at a higher level with understanding, determination, and discipline.
Hence, to some, self-love may mean self-care. To others, higher on the spiral it may mean developing boundaries, dissolving negative beliefs that limit them, and becoming mindful not to hurt, punish, or devalue themselves or others. To still others, it may involve overcoming the tendency to anger quickly or dissolving greed and lust. Everything that contracts consciousness such as shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, anger, desire, and pride, attributes which on the consciousness researcher David Hawkins’ map of consciousness fall below neutrality at 200, must eventually be sacrificed on the altar of self-love to awaken and eventually enlighten you.
How to Practice Self-Love
Self-love isn’t some fuzzy, warm, gentle, or indulgent act. It is a willing and purposeful rebellion against one’s own base nature, against all that limits us and keeps us from ascending the ladder of consciousness. It includes any willing effort to overcome lower tendencies and elevate consciousness, the building of virtues and values, and the expansion of potentialities.
The tools one needs to activate self-love are awareness and attention. Remember, whatever you focus your attention on, grows. The attitude to cultivate is that of self-sacrifice and intentional suffering. The ego mind is anti-evolutionary and wants to keep you engrossed in the existential dance of habitual desires. To truly embrace self-love, you must strive to become the highest expression of yourself. The practice that underpins this noble endeavor is letting go because to elevate, you must let go of the ground you stand upon. Above all, self-love needs courage, determination, and willpower. As Rumi whispers to us, “Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.”
Illustrations by Navni Chawla using AI
